Having the Courage to Live Your Life on Purpose

The other day my client, Hamish, said to me, “My spouse is angry with me. She says that I never put her and the kids first, before my work. It is so unfair. My family is really important and that is exactly why I work so hard to provide for them!”.

After making sure that Hamish felt truly listened to and understood, I probed by asking, “Last month when you decided to come back from your family holiday early to do a board presentation, how did you make that choice?”

Hamish said, “I didn’t have a choice. My boss expected me to be back”.

I pushed a bit further. “I know that your family is really important to you, Hamish, and yet, you chose to satisfy your boss’s wishes even though your family was unhappy that you left the family holiday early”.

Hamish said, “I had no choice”. I stayed silent and waited. “Oh,” he said,” you are implying that I did have a choice but I made it unconsciously rather than taking a step back to weigh up all the different options”.

“That’s right,” I said. “You had a choice but didn’t recognise it as one and therefore in effect you let someone else make that choice for you. In that moment you were not living your life on purpose. In that moment you were living the life that your boss wanted you to lead.”

We explored the options that Hamish could have considered. These ranged from telling his boss that he would not present to the board; coaching his team to do the presentation for him; dialling in for the meeting; finding a place near his holiday destination to get a video-link; or flying back for the meeting.

There were pros and cons for each of these options and there was no “perfect” solution. Whatever Hamish decided, there were some unpalatable consequences to face.

So often we feel that we don’t have any choices in what we do. And yet, more often than not, there are choices. These choices have consequences and sometimes it is because we don’t like the consequence of a choice that we prefer to say that “we HAD to do something”.

When you miss your partner’s birthday dinner for an important client meeting, it is easier to persuade yourself that you had “no choice”, rather than taking responsibility for prioritising the client over your partner.

So often, we are sleepwalking through life. That doughnut has been eaten before we remember that we are watching our sugar intake. It is 10pm before we realise that we haven’t done any exercise during the day. We spend a couple of hours on social media before realising that now we will only get 5 hours sleep at best that night.

Back to Hamish, I asked him, “If you put yourself in your spouse’s shoes, what would putting her and the kids first look like?”.

He reflected and said, “Spending quality time, just the four of us, one day on the weekend”.

I probed, “How do you feel about that?”

Hamish responded immediately, “This is really important to me as well but work keeps intruding”.

I pushed him gently, “What can you commit to that would be a baby step in the direction of prioritising time with your family”.

Hamish reflected and said, “At least once a month I will spend an entire day with my family on the weekend and not take any client calls or do any work”.

Eight weeks on, Hamish is keeping to this commitment. His spouse feels like he is really trying and his relationship is improving. He is playing with his kids. On the designated family day, he gives his phone to his wife so that he isn’t tempted to scan his emails or voicemails. Once or twice there have been important calls but either Hamish’s team has dealt with it or they have waited 24 hours until Hamish is back online.

In order to make these choices, it is important that you know what is important in your life. This will be different for each individual. For me, health and fitness is hugely important. I believe that unless I am healthy in mind, body and spirit, I can’t be of service to anyone else. As a result, I fit some form of exercise into my schedule every day.

Working with Hamish, he devised the following “Live Life on Purpose” statements:

+ Spend quality time with my kids so that I really know them

+ Be a supportive husband who listens and understands what really matters to his wife

+ Provide for my family (financially and emotionally)

+ Bring my best self to work every day

+ Have meaningful face-to-face conversations with my close friends on a regular basis

+ Be there for my parents and siblings when they need me

Armed with this “purpose” statement, Hamish feels that he is making more conscious choices about how to live his life moment by moment. He feels more in control and believes that he is living a life that he chooses and not one imposed upon him.

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Next week, I will share with you an overview of “The 7 Step Plan” so that you too can discover your life’s meaning and purpose. If you want to learn more about “living your life on purpose” through 1x1 coaching with me, please drop me an e-mail to ad@annemariedurbin.com or via my website https://www.annemariedurbin.com/contact-annemarie