The 7 Step Plan To Living Your Life “On Purpose” - Step 1
- Annemarie Durbin
- May 8, 2019
- 5 min read
This blog is a continuation of a 7-part series that sets out a “Step by Step” plan to discover what really matters in your life and to set you off on a path to “live your life on purpose”. The overall outline of the 7 Step Plan was posted on 1st May 2019 and this blog focuses on Step 1.
Drawing Your Lifeline To Understand Your Life's Journey To Date
Our past shapes us but need not define or constrain us.
In a recent survey of the top regrets of those who are dying, the number one regret was, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life that others expected from me”.
Too often we use our pasts as a prison that limits us: we believe that we must drag around the pain of our past upbringing, our setbacks and disappointments; and we allow our past with the expectations that others have of us to become an excuse.
We do this rather than finding the courage to pursue our lives on purpose.
Some of us have experienced traumatic moments in our lives: the death of loved ones, emotional and/or physical abuse, bullying; and the like. Some of us have lived seemingly charmed lives where everything has been provided “on tap” without the need to strive.
Whatever your life’s story to date, it is just a prologue to who and where you are today and what you will become tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
You may think that this is easy for me to say. I was brought up in a family environment where the threat of physical and verbal violence was ever present. I coped using the classic strategies of “Flight” and “Freeze”. Sometimes I would hide in the garden. Other times I would make myself “small” (including starving myself) so that I was invisible even if I was physically present in the room. I was embarrassed to talk about my family life with my friends, perhaps because they seemed to have such perfect lives in comparison to mine. I was ashamed and thought that maybe there was something wrong with me or my family.
As I grew up I became angry and would often “fight back” particularly verbally. If I lost my temper I would need to “win” the argument no matter what damage that caused. I developed a “Survivor strategy” and became fiercely independent.
This seemed to serve me well for a number of years until I wanted to have a loving mutually supportive relationship with my now-husband. I was so accustomed to being independent and “surviving” that I didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship. It took time, self-reflection and therapy to realise that it was time to let go of my “survivor” instinct and replace it with a “thrive mentality”. This has enabled me to develop new strategies to live with purposeful life choices and not as a slave to or victim of my past.
So if you want to “Live your Life on Purpose” why is Step 1 of the plan to draw a lifeline to understand your life’s journey to this moment?
Once you understand how your life has shaped you, you can make conscious choices to “de-couple” from some of the triggers that make you react instantly to certain situations. You can develop strategies that enable you to live the life you want to lead.
So how do you go about drawing your Lifeline? Here are some tips:
Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed.
Take a big piece of paper (maybe tape a couple of A4 pages long-ways together or, if you have it, use a piece of flip-chart). Have some coloured pens available for use.
Draw a line across the middle of the page from left to right. On the left put “Birth” and on the right put “Today”. Above the line put a + and below the line put a -
Work sequentially through your life recording the key positive and negative important moments that have shaped your life to date. The further above the line you put an event, the more positive the impact it has had on your life; the further below the more negative the impact.
Take your time. Think through your life in decades (or every 5 years if you are in your 20s or 30s).
Write a word or draw a picture to represent the impact that each event has had on your life.
Now go back to the beginning and think about the more mundane aspects of your life. How have these shaped the person that you are today? Add anything that adds meaningfully to your life story.
Think about the people, relationships, and experiences that matter most to you. Where do they feature on your Lifeline?
Take a break.
How do you Interpret your Lifeline? Come back to it (either later that day or the following day). Reflect on the following questions:
Which story did you decide to tell when you “authored” this version of your life? How would you summarise that story in 2 or 3 sentences? My story was one of being a lone fighter and survivor.
How did you decide what to include and not to include? Initially I left out a lot of the people who did help me along the way.
What’s missing and why?
Imagine all the possible versions you considered when drawing your Lifeline. Which one reflects the “real” you today?
How would your Lifeline change if you showed it to your best friend; your boss; your partner; your parents; your siblings; the person you most respect in the world?
What does your life story tell you about your purpose, motivations and values in life?
What does your life story tell you about your coping strategies under pressure?
Write down what you have learnt about yourself as a result of the Lifeline exercise.
Now some people find this enough. Others find it more impactful to share their Lifeline with others and to talk through what they have learned about themselves as a result of doing the exercise.
In my case, I came to the realisation that I needed to learn how to trust men; to show vulnerability; to ask for help; and not to “need” to be right all the time. These realisations were really helpful once I incorporated them with learnings from each of the other steps in the “7 Step Plan to Living your Life on Purpose”.
Step 2 of the plan is Identify, learn to Love and to Harness your innate Talents and Strengths and this will be the subject of a blog in a few weeks time (to allow you time to fully immerse yourself in Step 1).
In the meantime if you would like to find out more about the 7 Step Plan or more general coaching, please contact me on ad@annemariedurbin.com or via my website https://www.annemariedurbin.com/contact-annemarie
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